-by Noreen Carrington, LMFT, FT

It is often difficult to parent children when you are experiencing your own stress, loss and grief. You may be worried about how you can talk to your children about what is happening in your family. You may be anxious that you won’t give your children what they need. Here are a few points to help you with parenting during times of stress and loss:

• Keep the rules the same. Setting limits and keeping your house rules in tact help children to know what is expected and maintains the structure they rely on.
• Show your children that they are important. Set aside some time, one on one, where you can have uninterrupted interactions with each child.
• Maintain routines and consistency as much as possible. Routines help children feel safe and secure when other changes are taking place.
• Communicate openly and honestly. Keep your discussion age appropriate and always honest. Children often fill in the gaps when omissions are made. Children also will ask for more information and you can continue to provide as they ask.
• Allow your children to express their thoughts and feelings. Encourage, but don’t pressure, children to express themselves over time. Allow for many kinds of expressions including drawing, writing, talking and playing.
• Accept and respect the feelings of your children. Stress and grief bring many feelings and some, such as jealousy, ambivalence, relief and guilt may be difficult to hear about and understand.
• Express your own feelings openly and appropriately. Modeling healthy expressions of your feelings helps your children know that it is ok to share their feelings with you.  Keep your level of expression to one that ensures your child does not begin to take care of you. Sharing your feelings combined with reassurance that “we will be ok” and “we will get through this” is most beneficial for children.
• Repeating your message over time. As children develop and change their need for expression and understanding will increase and change as well.

It is important to realize and normalize for your children that their feelings are a normal reaction to the loss. Although grief is a natural reaction and expression of a loss, parents often find themselves wondering if they are doing or saying things that are most beneficial to their children. Inviting the support of others, including grief groups, talking it over with a counselor, or enlisting the support of your child’s school guidance counselor, can often be just the reassurance you need.